Clouds

You know, I'd like to say that I'm not depressed. I'd like to say that things are better. I'd like to say that I'm doing alright right now.

But I can't. Because that would be lying. Unfortunately, lately, for the past several.. well... months actually, I've just had this hanging cloud of... sadness over me. I know, I know. Cliche right? But I don't know how else to describe it. No matter what I do, it's like there's this black lining to everything, even if it's something fun or something that I enjoy doing. It doesn't matter because it's like, I can't find joy in things anymore all because of money.

My birthday is on Tuesday. My boyfriend is coming down to visit me and staying for three whole days. I'm probably not going to go to any of my classes this week. I'm going to the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn with my best friend. And yet... There's still a gaping hole in my chest, that feels like... a void. A nothing. Like if I fall into that hole, there will be nothing there. And I'll just keep falling.

I tell everyone, "Yes. I'm excited for my birthday." But that's just purely mechanical. Because normally, as in, my whole life other than this year, I've legitimately always been excited for my birthday. I'm smiling a lot more, I get gifts for God's sake, I get a ton of attention for a while (and we all know how much I love that XD) and it's just a happy time. This year it's just... alright well. I get a brief hiatus from being completely depressed for a while. Oh but after your birthday is all said and done, you have to get back into your real life and deal with the real shit. It's just hard I guess...

I want

I want to be happy again.

I want to... Not worry so much about things. I want to not have a negative balance in my checking account. I want to stop stealing. I want to have a good source of income so I can put gas in my tank and pay off my credit card bill every month.

ALL of these things are important. And ALL of them require more money. More money than I actually have. Because guess what folks? I got my first paycheck on Friday and guess how much it was for? $80. Oh did I forget to put another number before or after either of those--nope. That's it. Eighty dollars. FML. So, not only is that not enough to get my checking account back into the black, but it's barely enough to fill my tank AND renew my license. A license renewal costs $31. Wtf? Really? Come on guys. I'd rather re-take the damn test then pay money. Geez..

Oh and to top everything else off, I only got scheduled to work once this week. And I didn't work at all this past week. So that's ONE shift in two weeks.

I MAY AS WELL HAVE KEPT GETTING UNEMPLOYMENT.

Does anybody else agree with me on that? I said how much I got from them. $222 a week. That's right, not only would I have gotten $200 bucks, but it would have been weekly! That money alone would have been enough to get me back in the black, and keep a steady income while I'm still finishing school and put money in my tank. But instead I'm getting paid 80 fucking dollars every TWO weeks?? SIGH. All because I have to have a "good conscience" and I decided to get a job. All because I thought it'd be stupid not to take it. I decided to take this stupid fucking job at a place that I don't even like. I hate Old Navy. People that work there are jerks usually. And seriously, I don't even associate myself with working there yet. It's like when I walk in there, I don't feel like a customer anymore, but I also don't feel like an employee because I have't actually worked any freaking shifts. I'm in a limbo with that stupid store. Fuck that place.

I'm sorry for all the F-bombs, but I'm very upset right now. See? This is what happens when I start thinking about all the crap in my life. There's so much bad, so much. It is physically difficult for me to be happy. I'm really sorry guys that this is so depressing, but I guess... I am depressed. I don't want to be. But it's hard. It's hard to be happy when you feel like there isn't a reason to be.

I just want me boyfriend to get here so I can forget about things for a while. So I won't have to... be shoved into sadness everyday. Then my birthday will be here and... maybe... I will actually be happy. I want to be happy so much I could cry. I miss not worrying. I miss not caring. It was so lovely. Maybe someday... that'll happen again. In the meantime, I'll just try and fight off these clouds of sadness, because that's all I can do.


Later days