Family should be your rock right? Your lighthouse, your cheat sheet, your manual on life. But what happens when you start keeping things from them? What happens when things aren't open? Aren't as they were before? Aren't... trusting?
Then walls start building up, secrets are created and separation occurs. And then, you can't trust each other. Family should be your guiding light. But when you keep things from them, it becomes more difficult to express yourself around them. And after a while, you become used to not confiding in them. You get used to the idea of keeping things to yourself. And then they fester. Sure you have friends, but what are friends compared to family? Who have known you since birth? Who love you unconditionally? I'm not saying friends aren't like that, or can't be like that, but family is a different entity. Family is special.
I got frustrated at my sister today because she doesn't really know what I'm going through. She doesn't know the extent of how deep I'm in. She kept suggesting ideas for Halloween costumes for me to wear. But I kept shooting down her ideas due to my lack of money. She insisted that there are other things that I can do without money, use what I have, but I felt so entirely hopeless after receiving that letter today from the EDD telling me I won't be getting a check from them and I have to wait longer to get money. She still doesn't even know that I filed for unemployment. Because she felt the same way that I did about it. That it's just something that lazy people do. Who knows if I'll ever tell her? I'm not really sure... All I really know is that I still have no money and I'm not sure what to do with myself these days.
I wanted to be a crazy cat lady for Halloween, because I know that later on in life that will eventually be my fate. I will be surrounded by cats as my only true companions. Well... hopefully not :P But I would certainly love to own a cat someday.
I promise all my posts won't be as depressing as all get out, but like I said before, things are just a little tough right now. I'll have nice posts too. Probably more in the future, so we'll see how things go.
Happy Halloween everyone.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Getting Started
I hope this is a new beginning.
My name is Jessica and I wanted to start a blog on my life. On the things I'm going through. On things I'm having difficulty with. On things that I am having a hard time handling.
My life is... fine right now. I have a wonderful family. I have an amazing boyfriend. School is just great. I have a roof over my head and food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in everyday. That's not my problem though. My problem is something that everyone right now is experiencing and something that I'm not proud of to admit to. But... I knew starting this that the only way to approach putting my life out there, is to really, put my life out there. So I'm going to be honest with everything. And not hold back.
It won't be pretty. It's going to get dirty and it may turn some people away, but it's the only way to see what I can do differently and hopefully make a change in my life and make my future a little brighter.
I say my life is fine because out of all the things in my life, I have a balance of good and bad. That's why it equates to fine. Just fine. But lately... It's been feeling like there's an outcrop of bad things. Bad leaking into and destroying what good I have. What is the bad thing? What is it? I must know, you say. I'll tell you.
I don't have any money.
I know, I know. Anti-climactic, right? Well... not entirely. When I say I have no money, I mean that literally. As in, I have no money in my checking account, I have no money in my savings account and I have no cash on me whatsoever. And the worst part? I have a credit card maxed out. Way maxed out. As in, $3,500 out of a possible $3,300 maxed out(and I do wonder, how is THAT possible?) with virtually nothing to pay it off with. And by virtually nothing well... I'll get to that in a second.
The important thing is that YOU know. I need to put this out there, have it documented that this is the lowest point in my life right now. Yes, I have a great family, yes I have the world's best boyfriend, yes school is actually okay for once. But, how can I enjoy having a boyfriend when he lives an hour and a half away from me and I have no money for gas? How can I feel good around my family when I'm lying to them basically daily about my finances? And how can I not worry about school when I have no gas in my car to drive there in the first place? The money thing... everyone around me doesn't know the full extent of how bad it is right now. No one knows. When I say to people, "I have no money," they think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. Not in the slightest.
A few weeks ago, I filed for unemployment because I lost my job working at Borders during the summer. I worked there before they went out of business, and technically during and lost my job because they closed. At first I felt bad about filing for it, feeling like I didn't deserve it seeing as how I'm so young and still in school. But... I needed money. I'm not getting any from my parents, so it was either that or... well... nothing. The stupid thing that I did was, when I got all the paperwork to fill out for the unemployment, I didn't send it in. I still felt bad. So because I didn't send it in, I didn't get any money. So now I'm back at square zero. I needed that money. I did end up turning it in though. Just late. Another reason why I didn't get the check from them. But even if it does end up coming, it won't be in time. It'll be too late.
The only bright spot in all of this is the fact that I got a job recently. Yeah... kind of exciting. Sort of. The tricky part is I won't be getting paid for another two weeks. And I need money now. And that paycheck won't be enough money to get the collectors off my back as well as put gas in my tank. It'll hardly be $200. And I'm worried. Today is the first day that the collectors haven't called. What do they do to people when they don't pick up their collection calls? What do they do? Do they come to your house? Do they arrest you? Do they have you come to court? I don't know. The fact is, I don't know what they do. Because I've never been in a situation like this before. And I'm scared. I am very, very scared.
Maybe my life isn't so fine after all. Maybe... it's actually a lot worse than I make it out to be. I think the worst part is the fact that no one knows what I'm going through. No one knows the extent of the hole I've dug myself in. Just the fact that I can't talk to anyone about this. That's why I wanted to start this blog. See if I could get some followers, some advice, and most importantly, track progress and see if things might get better. I hope so. Because I have very little to hope for right now.
I miss my boyfriend. And I can't see him. I hope things get better. I want them to. Because otherwise, things will continue to be bad, and I won't know what to do.
For anyone reading this, I apologize for the downer post, but that's how my life is right now. And I'm just starting out, we'll see how things progress. I hope. I hope.
Later Days
My name is Jessica and I wanted to start a blog on my life. On the things I'm going through. On things I'm having difficulty with. On things that I am having a hard time handling.
My life is... fine right now. I have a wonderful family. I have an amazing boyfriend. School is just great. I have a roof over my head and food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in everyday. That's not my problem though. My problem is something that everyone right now is experiencing and something that I'm not proud of to admit to. But... I knew starting this that the only way to approach putting my life out there, is to really, put my life out there. So I'm going to be honest with everything. And not hold back.
It won't be pretty. It's going to get dirty and it may turn some people away, but it's the only way to see what I can do differently and hopefully make a change in my life and make my future a little brighter.
I say my life is fine because out of all the things in my life, I have a balance of good and bad. That's why it equates to fine. Just fine. But lately... It's been feeling like there's an outcrop of bad things. Bad leaking into and destroying what good I have. What is the bad thing? What is it? I must know, you say. I'll tell you.
I don't have any money.
I know, I know. Anti-climactic, right? Well... not entirely. When I say I have no money, I mean that literally. As in, I have no money in my checking account, I have no money in my savings account and I have no cash on me whatsoever. And the worst part? I have a credit card maxed out. Way maxed out. As in, $3,500 out of a possible $3,300 maxed out(and I do wonder, how is THAT possible?) with virtually nothing to pay it off with. And by virtually nothing well... I'll get to that in a second.
The important thing is that YOU know. I need to put this out there, have it documented that this is the lowest point in my life right now. Yes, I have a great family, yes I have the world's best boyfriend, yes school is actually okay for once. But, how can I enjoy having a boyfriend when he lives an hour and a half away from me and I have no money for gas? How can I feel good around my family when I'm lying to them basically daily about my finances? And how can I not worry about school when I have no gas in my car to drive there in the first place? The money thing... everyone around me doesn't know the full extent of how bad it is right now. No one knows. When I say to people, "I have no money," they think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. Not in the slightest.
A few weeks ago, I filed for unemployment because I lost my job working at Borders during the summer. I worked there before they went out of business, and technically during and lost my job because they closed. At first I felt bad about filing for it, feeling like I didn't deserve it seeing as how I'm so young and still in school. But... I needed money. I'm not getting any from my parents, so it was either that or... well... nothing. The stupid thing that I did was, when I got all the paperwork to fill out for the unemployment, I didn't send it in. I still felt bad. So because I didn't send it in, I didn't get any money. So now I'm back at square zero. I needed that money. I did end up turning it in though. Just late. Another reason why I didn't get the check from them. But even if it does end up coming, it won't be in time. It'll be too late.
The only bright spot in all of this is the fact that I got a job recently. Yeah... kind of exciting. Sort of. The tricky part is I won't be getting paid for another two weeks. And I need money now. And that paycheck won't be enough money to get the collectors off my back as well as put gas in my tank. It'll hardly be $200. And I'm worried. Today is the first day that the collectors haven't called. What do they do to people when they don't pick up their collection calls? What do they do? Do they come to your house? Do they arrest you? Do they have you come to court? I don't know. The fact is, I don't know what they do. Because I've never been in a situation like this before. And I'm scared. I am very, very scared.
Maybe my life isn't so fine after all. Maybe... it's actually a lot worse than I make it out to be. I think the worst part is the fact that no one knows what I'm going through. No one knows the extent of the hole I've dug myself in. Just the fact that I can't talk to anyone about this. That's why I wanted to start this blog. See if I could get some followers, some advice, and most importantly, track progress and see if things might get better. I hope so. Because I have very little to hope for right now.
I miss my boyfriend. And I can't see him. I hope things get better. I want them to. Because otherwise, things will continue to be bad, and I won't know what to do.
For anyone reading this, I apologize for the downer post, but that's how my life is right now. And I'm just starting out, we'll see how things progress. I hope. I hope.
Later Days
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